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Q.  What was the ugliest thing about his performance Wednesday?

A.  The opposing starter?  ... actually Bartolo Colon is in the quadrant of MLB pitchers who most resemble Dr. D himself, so he's allowed.  If Dr. D looked more like Clint Eastwood than Eli Wallach, he'd have no right.  But trust him, he can talk bad baseball faces.

By the way, how does a guy named "Eli Wallach" play a notorious Mexican bandit?   And how come Colon slaughters us with 88 MPH fastballs every time?  Sometimes the casting is so bad, it's good.

Okay, we're 50 words in and hopelessly off track.  You thought we were kidding about being dizzy?  :: reboots :: Here's ugly:  Taijuan threw 77 fastballs in 94 pitches, and not for the reasons Bartolo did.  Taijuan had four pitches that were totally useless:

• Cutter = useless
• Changeup = worse than useless
• Slider = don't go there
• Overhand curve = useless, almost

77 fastballs vs. no offspeed pitches, that was Mike Zunino deciding that Richard Sherman's 1/3 of the field was out of play.  Is "surrender" ever pretty to watch?  Maybe for Earl Thomas.  Not for you, me, or Taijuan.

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Q.  What was the second ugliest thing?

A.  Taijuan retreating to Tacoma with an admission that it was where he belongs.  He's all like, "My lifetime ERA is up to 3.60 in the big leagues.  I refuse to embarrass myself any further.  When's that Tour de France thing?"  Did you see the quotes?

Let us not forget that, walking 6 guys and throwing nothing but sub-velocity fastballs, Taijuan again threw a 2-hitter.  Well, it was a 2-hitter if you're playing five inning games.  But you feel me.  You can sense the storm looming for the hitters.

Taijuan could still "learn in the big leagues," as Sweet Lou put it, but hey.  We've got a team ERA+ of 121 (!) and we've got the K-Pax and Bartender rail guns under assembly.   You can swap out Bat571's weapons order if it becomes obsolete during its R&D.

.........

No, we're changing the subject.  Taijuan did get whooped again.  He's behind where he should be.   He's like 21 years old.  What's the holdup here.

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Q.  What was the prettiest thing?

A.  Taijuan's fastball has been shaped like a Mariano Rivera cutter -- 93-97 MPH, way overhand, cuts in on LH hitters routinely, "rises" or explodes in the last few feet.

All y'all remember when Stephen Pryor was Stephen Pryor, with the Charlie Sheen nintendo "swerve up into the sky" fastball.  We are talking about a true bread-and-butter weapon here.  Another few years and this kid could be Bartolo Colon.

It goes with the pinchy shoulder.  Take the good with the bad.  Like we sez, Roger Clemens had a similar motion and similar early shoulder problemos.

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Q.  What was the bad thing?  In what sense is "bad" different from "ugly," anyway?

A.  Taijuan's inability to throw anything but a fastball was "unpleasant or repulsive, especially in appearance."  Now let's chat for a second about "of poor quality; defective."

Dr. D (obviously) assumes that the Mariners' high-powered, field-level, super-expensive scouting reports are identical to SSI's free shtick.  If this is true, and how could it not be, then the Mariners have noticed:

(1) That Taijuan is looking like 4.5 years of impact pitching, not 6, 

(2) That the rotation is looking less like it needs him, at least in the sense that K-Pax is very close and Wilhelmsen is in dry dock being retrofitted, at least in theory, so

(3) A LOT of the sting has been removed from a possible trade scenario.  See point (1).

I mean, suppose Taijuan is Roger Clemens, which he prob'ly is.  The evidence is coming in that you miss really only 2-3, maybe 4 years, of huge net gain.  First year, way more dicey than you thought.  The last year, his arb will be $25 mill, and year 7+ .... you don't figure on any pitcher for the year 2021.  See Pineda, Michael, and Free Agent Market, The.

......

So next come the reboots of the Giancarlo rumors no doubt.  Here's the thing.  Once you start talking to Tampa about Price/Taijuan ... once you say internally, "Okay.  Maybe we can talk a Taijuan trade." ... well, package Taijuan with X and Y, such as Nick Franklin and Y, and you can get any player who is available in trade.  By any, we mean any.  

Is Price the best available player in trade?  Maybe not.

Best case, the M's are getting real close to a blockbuster and then they go, "Can we do even better?  Since we're talking about Taijuan now, what if we gave those other guys a call?"  At least that's what all Dr. D's roto trade partners used to do.

Price is great.  His nearing free agency, though, you can think of at least one player who is more desirable, and especially you can think of 3-player clusters who are more desirable.

.......

They hang on to Taijuan, 's cool also.  Get us some baling wire for the lineup, like that Willie McGee guy, and K-Pax, maybe we'll hand the pennant race over to four lockdown starters and the bullpen.

Enjoy,

Jeff